I have heard over and over again that Step 1 is the only one of the 12 steps that has to be worked perfectly. The question is - what does that mean?
In the Big Book it says that 'We conceded to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic' (or addicts, or whatever). Only we know as individuals if we have done that, in fact if there is any question - we probably have not.
Actually the first step has two parts: 1. that we were powerless over our alcoholism or addiction, and 2. that our lives had become unmanageable. It's my opinion that the only the first part of Step 1 needs to be worked perfectly.
Although it may be easy enough when we are new to see how our lives are unmanageable, the reality of what that means can take years to fully understand. New levels of UN-manageability are constantly being revealed to us if we continue to grow in our 12 step recovery program. This is daunting at first - and when something new comes up, it is never pleasant; but, strangely enough, we come to welcome these challenges because we know they are the doorways we must walk through in order to continue to grow.
That brings me back to the first half of Step 1 and a hot topic that sometimes comes up when discussed - Controlled drinking/ using. There are some that say if you are not sure go try some controlled drinking/ using and some that say - absolutely do not! I don't know the answer to that but I can give you my opinion.
Remember that my opinions are subject to change pending new information (one of the many gifts that recovery has given me).
The controlled drinking thing: I was at a book study less than a week ago talking about this very thing. What occurred to me after listening to everybody give their experience is this question - What makes me an alcoholic? Well it's not how much I drank/ used, or when, or if it was continuous or in binges. Doesn't matter where I drank or with who or even what sort of crazy escapades I got into or how much damage I did or did not cause.
No. What makes me an alcoholic (or addict, I use the two interchangeably) is that when I put alcohol/ drugs in my body I can't stop. Period, that's it. I don't know what I'll do or where it will lead me or what that particular episode will look like - that's what makes me alcoholic.
It also occurred to me that there are a lot of people who get to the rooms because their using caused so much pain and problems that it led them to recovery. The question I have that is pertinent to the controlled drinking thing is this - Have you experienced the helplessness of not being able to stop? The place where you knew without reservation that you should not put that drink or drug into your system because you knew what was going to happen (even if you didn't know what it would look like).
I believe that feeling of fear, helplessness, and despair surrounding the fact that we knew we could not stop - that is the foundation of being able to concede to our inner most selves that we are alcoholic.
So if that has not been experienced, maybe some controlled drinking or using is in the thing in order to figure it out.
Just to get it straight I have never told any my sponsees or anybody at any time to go out and do some controlled drinking. I will tell you something I used to hear from this wonderful crazy guy in Nashville when I first entered the rooms - he used to say if you are not sure - what the Hell are you doing here? Don't you know you are wasting valuable get high time?
If you have conceded to your inner most self that once you put booze or dope into you that you can not stop by your own will, then you got it. The is perfection as far as the first half of Step 1 goes. Now all you have to do is keep coming back one day at a time and with an honest effort work the rest of the steps to your best ability.
Indescribably interesting things will happen in your life.
Want to talk about recovery? Have any experience related to my posts you would like to share? Please leave a comment or send me an email.
Gary T
12 step recovery program
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